About Friends Missing Friends

Why is friend-loss grief often so isolating?

Because it is disenfranchised.

  • Harold Ivan Smith, Grieving the Death of Friends

    “Societal norms make clear that a friend’s grief must not compete with, overshadow, or complicate the grief of the deceased’s family.”

  • Harold Ivan Smith, Grieving the Death of a Friend

    “Grief is a family affair, at least in American society. The distraught close friend of someone who dies has virtually no legitimate, public grief and mourning channels.”

  • Jackson Rainer, Life After Loss: Contemporary Grief Counseling and Therapy

    “[A best friend’s death is] idiosyncratic, eccentric, contained between the two. It’s not something publicly acknowledged or understood.”

  • Natasha Josefowitz, Living Without the One You Cannot Live Without

    “People rally around family members who lose someone…A friend is often seen as replaceable.”

Because the grief is disenfranchised, it can impact the ownership we feel over it…

…it can get internalized, and impact how we view our grief and our friendship, bringing up questions & doubts…

…it can make us feel like we’re “crazy” or “stuck”, or that we’re the only ones who feel this way…

…it can make us feel like we need to “rush” through grief. But that’s not how grief works. It’s not how love works. There is no “moving on”. Just forward, or through.

I’M HERE TO TELL YOU:

You do have full ownership over your grief.

You are not exaggerating the depth of your friendship.

You are not “crazy”, or stuck.

You do not need to rush this sadness.

That is the disenfranchisement talking.

Your grief and love are valid.

Your grief and love are real.

I know that it’s easier said than done. It took me a while to really feel it, and believe in my bones that my grief is valid. If that’s the case for you, too, it’s okay. I promise you, you’re not doing grief “wrong”. Every single day we are swimming in the world that is disenfranchising our grief.

If you want to be around people who really “get it”, who understand the unique and complex grief of losing a friend, feel free to check out my friend-loss grief groups, or reach out to me.

Sending you love.

-Hannah

Animations by Corinne Chapman at Aggressively Compassionate.