Friendships and best friendships were really valued when you're a kid. And then when you get older, it's, like, not so valued. So when you're a kid, they'll be like, “oh, who's your best friend? Oh, you have a best friend? Like, tell me about your best friend.”

And then you grow up and you're an adult and people are like, “oh, who's your partner? Like, who are you dating?”

And that question is so singular, too, is who's your best friend? And that creates such an awkward, it's like, it's like they're trying to create that vacancy or, like, fill a created or fabricated vacancy that you need to have one best person in your life, or you need to find one other person who's just your everything. And when you're younger, it's your best friend. And then when you're older, it's your partner.

I don't think there's like a right way to feel about it. It's not like I'm trying to get to a place of something with it. I guess acceptance would be what we all kind of want in the grieving process. It's just getting to a place of like, we can't change it. I don't know, I guess whatever flavor it has, someone you deeply are in love with, someone you care about with every fiber of your being, someone in your everyday life, or a former best friend who has betrayed you, who is you are not, that you don't have presences in each other's life anymore. And then you hear word that this person has untimely passed away.

And there's just a really odd combination of feeling, because it's sad. And so there's a sadness, and there is a sense of a loss. But there was also a sense of relief.

People at the center of a tragedy are bombarded with, like, how do I help you? Or, like, call me if you need anything. I discourage those two statements. My advice, and I teach this in the book, is there are three things that you need to give to someone who is grieving. The first is to respect for what they are experiencing and that it will be different than anybody else’s experience. The second one is empowerment. And what we know about trauma, about resilience, is that when people can exercise as much agency about their lived experience through anything hard, they have a better chance of being okay later on.

So empowering the person is just empowering them to do whatever it is that they need. And then this plays into the third thing, which is unconditional love. So say to them, do whatever you need to do to survive this. I love you and I will love you no matter what.

There's a country of Bhutan where a lot of the Buddhist population lives. They actually were ranked the happiest country in the nation. And the reasoning behind that is because on average, they actually contemplate and think about their own death about five times a day. Here, we don't we avoid it at all costs.

And it's not something that they sit there and think about and ruminate on all day long. But they are very aware that, you know, we're all going to die at some point. And what that in turn helps them do is tune into the present moment. I mean, what an awesome shift that is. So just even thinking about it more and talking about death more, I think would help shift a lot of that for us.

This is starting to sound a little bit like something I've encountered recently called relationship anarchy, which I think, which basically, from what I've gathered, is this idea of taking each connection that you have with somebody else on its own terms and not falling within a pre-prescribed model of, this is what a friendship is, this is what a love relationship is, this is what a best friend or a friend with benefits is. Just be aware, again, being aware of who you are with that person, and then sometimes just sitting down and talking with them and saying, okay, look, this is how I feel about you, these are the, this is how I feel, these are the times when I feel good in our relationship, these are the times where I feel, where I feel that I need to keep my distance, these are the things I feel like I can safely share with you, these are, and there are other things about my life that I don't, that I feel are not part of this connection that we have. And yeah, just defining each relationship in its own terms and without assuming a particular hierarchy.

And the example that comes to mind is when you have friends and then when you have a relationship, whether it be a marriage or a boyfriend, girlfriend kind of thing, where you are in love with a person and that inherent assumption that the friendships that you have are secondary to this primary thing and that you will, you are devoted to this and everything else fits in in your life around it. Whereas it's more like, actually, you know what I need, in some cases, it may be a person goes, I need strong connections with the people who have been in my life for four years and whom I have developed strong bonds with and who, you know, they're not, I'm not friends with them just because they've always been there. I'm friends with them because I love them.

And there's only so much interaction the living can have with the dead. You know, and a huge part of that is, like, letting go. And not to say, like, letting go is, like, you know, giving up or forgetting about it or moving on, but letting that person have their journey wherever they may be. And the beautiful thing is that they can visit us and we can kind of call them, in a way, for their presence.

And in some ways, I feel like the dead are always present with us, not in, like, a ghostly kind of way, but just through the process of interacting, of all the interactions we've had being integrated and carrying that, their impact with us. Their words, their actions, their feelings don't leave us, really. Even if sometimes we do forget about them, maybe. Or sometimes we don't forget about them at all. You know, sometimes they're very present with us in that sense.

And it's very interesting that most people view grief as like, you just mourn things that you had. And what I think is really helpful to reframe about that is you're also mourning the future you wanted to have. Like, I have a friend who is going through a very hard breakup, and it's been a little over a year, and it just kind of rocks their shit, you know? And they are consistently getting feedback of like, “you should be over it by now.” Oh, like, “it's time to move on.”

And I just so refuse to be that person, you're on your own timeline, I wasn't in that relationship, and there's also the idea that like she thought they thought they were going to be with that person for a really long time. And so now, it's like reframing the rest of your life, because a huge very big centerpiece was just taken out. And so even something as small as like, we were gonna go to Texas to go on like a vacation together, that's a loss of something that you planned to have, and it's not there anymore. And that's, it causes a lot of dissonance within a person, because you don't mourn just what you had. But like, now you have to think about all the things that you have to do without them. And that's really heavy.

As a photographer, I think that it's my job to witness people. I mean, in the simplest way I can say that, because that's what photography does. I really like that about photography as a practice of art because it does deal with realism. And I think in a lot of ways also takes the pressure off of people of trying to be creative because what you're doing is deciding which parts of real life you want to represent and how you want to represent them. You don't necessarily have to come up with something fantastic or new. You're just really practicing being a thoughtful witness of what's happening.

And what I've noticed in my own experience is that, and in being with other people, is that sometimes that witness part just feels like it's impossible, that in order to get through hard things, we kind of put on blinders, and we believe that the best way to get through the very hard thing, or the very terrible thing, is to kind of stop paying attention to what's going on. And I do think that is necessary a lot of the time. I also know that in order for us to be able to process all of the things that are happening, that at some point, we have to go back and be with that stuff that we weren't able to be with at the time.

And so they definitely go through a period of like instability and like breaking up, for lack of a better word, that I think helped Leah and I talk about it. But you are like using, you are using like a framework for a different type of relationship to talk about your friendship. You know, like there is no, there are no rules for friends because they're kind of almost thought of like, it's like a filler for other parts of your life, you know, like you have, you have your family and that like abides by a certain set of rules and you have romantic relationships.

And then you don't think about how the fact, how like friendships, in some cases, depending on your life circumstances, are the most long lasting relationships in your life. And they survive so much turbulence, like when I think of like the closest friends that I have, like they've, you know, they've stood by my side through how many relationships and like, you know, I hope my family gets to be by my side throughout my whole life. But like, obviously, your parents are much older and like, if you have, or if you don't have siblings, you know, like your friends are the ones that are going to be there through all of it.

In whatever way you want to soften, come out. That's how they do it. And what comes out of your body, will never make you sick. The things that we hold on to, the emotions we hold on to, that's what makes us sick. So, when you manage to let it go, and you let your body to release, it's good.

Crying is good. Yelling is good. Let the grief express itself, because then it will not make you sick. It will just be softer and softer, and you'll be managing it beautifully. Of course, there will be, you know, I'm sure you have times when it like, here it comes again, and two, three days you're like... And I'm like that too. It comes and goes. But I welcome it now. I'm like, okay, it's time.

Time to feel it. Time to bow my eyes. Time to do breath.

And then it goes again.

It’s not like you can just pick and choose who you're gonna be friends with, right? But I think there are probably a lot of opportunities out there. Many more than we think, you know?…And then it's kind of like, well, if someone is your friend and they wind up being sort of a passing silhouette that you don’t spend much time with, but for whatever reason they have some effect on you that you carry, then that's still worth it, you know? There are different gradations of closeness, relationships, friendships, all that stuff. And I mean, as much as I can be bummed out and hurt by folks, and probably bum people out and hurt folks, I'm very humanist and people are worth it. Even though they are they take so much effort, it's still really worth it.

I love Mike and I'm so happy that he was in my life and is still in my life in the way that he is. This is an opportunity for me to acknowledge it. I get to say I love you to Mike.

I have way more compassion for people….Because I know that everybody goes through something, or everyone may be dealing with something. And I think before, in a way, we’re kind of conditioned to judge people for how thy show up and how they behave, and this is bad, this is good. And although there’s bad behavior and good behavior, I don’t really think of people too much as being bad people or bad kids. I stopped believing in that, and I really start looking at what did this person experience in their life, and why are they behaving this way?So I think that definitely has changed for me, is the compassion and giving people grace.

And it’s no way by any means you treat me bad and I’m going to accept that. And to have boundaries is such a big thing. Everyone talks about boundaries but to have those boundaries when you need them. But instead of scolding someone or going off on someone or judging someone, all the things that’s so easy to do, it’s like, hmmm, I wonder what’s going on with that person that we don’t know about.

[Storytelling] is like personal cartography. It's like your own personal map making that you get to etch into your life. And then share with people, which is amazing to be able to not hold it all on your own, to be able to offer it to listeners and then get that sense of like, “oh wow, I am not alone in this”. Because so many people come up to you and tell you about their experiences and then my story isn't like of isolation and grief anymore. It's... I mean it is, but it's also this deep connection to other people who have had similar experiences, but without that space to share the story that connection isn't formed. I really don't know where I would be without my play, without having had the ability to share it and connect with other people. Because after my brother died, I had a really hard time. I didn't meet anybody else who had lost someone to an overdose or had lost a sibling. I felt very much alone. And in doing it for the first time, my play, I did it in a basement of the old Green Shirt space. It was very supportive friends and people in that community and it felt like it was like a coming out of sorts. It was like, “this is this big deep secret that I have that I need all of you to know because if you don't, I don't know how I'm going to be able to continue to exist in this community if you don't know all this about me.”

One of the things that I've learned and discovered is that the brain stores all memories holographically. So a memory may be stored, for example, the wedding that you went to when you were your sister's wedding, or something like that. It might be stored over here on this side with all weddings, and it also might be stored actually, on the left side more stored time-wise with respect to all weddings, and then it might be stored with all family. And so it's stored holographically. There's a full memory of it over here and a full memory over here, and a full memory. So that's what holographically means. So doesn't it make sense that the heart can also store? Because that's the first brain that forms in the fetus is the heart brain.

So doesn't it make sense that the heart could store holographically love, the relationship? So we can love wholly that person, and this person, and this person with our whole heart, because it's holographic.

We’re both people that are taking creative pursuits that have a basis of loss coming from them. And I think that is part of the equation of like, it can feel selfish to profit off of it in any way. I don't mean profit financially, but just even profit, like in your life, like enriching it, like, “oh, I have this cool podcast”, or the book you're writing or the play I have. Because you know, sometimes it can feel bad to use any part of something terrible and do something good, like as if you're suddenly buying into the “everything happens for a reason,” which feels terrible. Not like you're buying into it, but like you're promoting it or endorsing it is the world, which doesn't feel good. Like, emotionally, logically, I think it's clear to see you're not – as long as you're being sensitive to the person. Logically, it's like, “oh, that's not a problem, right?”Like, that's the thing that happened and you're just picking up scraps. Like, I've talked a little bit about like, is there permission to use it in art or use the experience in any way?

One of the main questions I've been struggling with over the course of my grief is, was what we had real? Was the friendship that I had with her real, or was it all in my head, and that I made it more important after her death because of my grief? And it was like I was looking for proof. I was always looking for proof. And there was “proof” everywhere, but nothing was enough. At the funeral there were pictures of me with her. That wasn't enough proof. Lauren's mother gave me a hug and said, “Thank you for being so special to Lauren.” That wasn't enough proof. I was invited to their house and allowed to go into her bedroom and look through her stuff. That wasn't enough proof. Her parents welcomed me with open arms fully acknowledged our friendship. And that wasn't enough.

And it made me think, what is it that I'm looking for? And I think what I realized recently as I was writing was that the proof is just HER. The proof is her living and breathing. Because when she was alive it was a reciprocal relationship, right? Like, love went both ways…

Now I finally know the answer to what I've been searching for — which is her, I've been searching for her — and I can't find her living and breathing because she's dead. So I'm going to have to find another way to find peace with it. And I think that that's just going to continue to be a journey that I take.

I would define forgiveness as a letting go…If you have a story looping in your head, about something that happens or something you did, something someone else did, there’s a resentment or regret, something unresolved. It occupies your energy and a space in your mind. Forgiveness is like something that cuts the cord to that and can make that story disappear for you in a way that is from the energy of love. It transforms the energy, brings that energy that you’ve been wasting in your mind…So forgiveness is a powerful way to release the past. Get into the present moment. And now here in the present moment, you have an opportunity for something new.

So when someone is in that deepest, darkest hole, I want them to realize that the dark isn't necessarily something bad. Because I think that that's what we made it, and we've interpreted it to be someplace bad. But the dark can also be a place where we heal, because the dark is where we rest. Where we sleep, where we get to dream. And that's not so scary. So it's recognizing that even though you may feel like you're in that deep, dark hole, that you can still find hope there.

We’re Jewish, and they have a really beautiful tradition when you lose somebody. You wear a pin, a black little ribbon pin, but part of the ribbon’s torn and you wear it outside on your coat or your shirt depending on the weather and when people see it, they know that you're hurting so even if they don't know you, it's a visual sign that that person is grieving. And in the Jewish tradition, if you go to temple, they say the name of a loved one that you lost every year on that anniversary of their death. They say if anyone has lost somebody this week, please stand. If anyone's lost anybody in the last month, please stand…visually, you see everyone's losing people and that you're not alone.

I wasn't her best friend, right? I wasn't her boyfriend. I wasn't her sibling. You know, I was just barely becoming something important to her. So I've also struggled a lot with like, you know, it breaks my heart, but I am not—this is also a classic struggle for me—I'm not the primary site of trauma, and therefore my feelings are not worth discussing. And that's not, of course, true. Everyone's feelings are worth time and discussion and care, but I really struggle with seeing other people as sort of the primary hurt person. And so I need to kind of “put up and shut up” to take care of the primary hurt person or to not cause more pain to the primary hurt person. And so I really struggle with the idea of reaching out or something, because I'm sort of like, who the hell am I to be like, “can we talk” or whatever?